As I sat at work today highlighting sheets of paper to designate which books we really shouldn't be scanning, I was listening to Pandora. My work in the seminary library is mind-numbing and often my Pandora stations are all that get me through my two-hour shifts. Today, Beck's song "Lost Cause" came on. I had heard this song once or twice before. While I was listening, I decided to look up the lyrics. Reading them, I began to feel a bit of an identification with the feeling of fighting for a lost cause. In some ways, one of my relationships feels like it might be a lost cause. I've been asking myself for the last few days when is it time to let go? Listening to the song and reflection on this question, I was reminded of the first time I heard it. It was in one of my classes in undergrad, I think Ethics. We discussed whether or not anyone ever is a lost cause. Is it right to label a person or a relationship a lost cause? Aren't we all worth fighting for? Didn't Christ die for us and in so doing, make us worth loving and worth the fight? Am I simply being selfish even thinking about walking away from a relationship because it isn't working out the way I think it should?
This last question is what indicates what my internal debate was really about. As I reflect more, I have to admit that I do think I am being selfish. I have certain expectations of how my life should pan out that when those things do not happen, I become frustrated. This leads me to pinpoint the source of my frustration onto something external and attempt to cut that thing out of my life. What I should be doing instead is embracing the challenge to my desires as an avenue for growth. What clued me into my selfish attempt to cling to my plan for my life was my reaction to hearing the news that my childhood best friend was going to become a father. His wife is currently in labor with their daughter. So much has changed in our lives since the time that we were running around playing "Boxcar Children" or choreographing dances to "Men in Black." He's been married for a year and is about to be a father, while I am so far away from that stage in life. When I had pictured where I'd be at 23, I always thought I'd be at least married. Giving up that dream has been tough. However, it is necessary. I'm not there yet and that's okay.
Therefore, I will continue to fight for the "lost cause" relationship, because every person and relationship is worth fighting for, while recognizing that the real lost cause that should be abandoned is the plan I have created for my life. I need to let go of my desires and instead allow God to shape them into what he would have me want. Rather than focusing on where I wish I was in my life, I should enjoy what I have and allow God to prepare me for the next stage and the work he would have me do. Too bad that is so much easier said than done.
