In Memoriam

Today is the one year anniversary of Lee's death. It seems like it has been both so much longer and so much shorter at the same time. The initial pain has dulled, but there are moments when it hits hard. Conversations that would interest him and I want to know his opinion, songs that he'd like, adventures he'd take. All of these keep his memory on my mind. I can't imagine how his family is feeling today. Having never lost a family member, my guess is that the first year is the hardest, but the absence will always be felt. Today my thoughts and prayers are with the Stover family. And to commemorate his life, I wrote a song. I feel like songs are able to convey more than just words so I'll leave you with the lyrics and if I can figure it out, I'll post a recording of it later.

A good ol' country boy in that small green truck
elbow out the window and a smile on your face
eyes that shine with a greeting to make my day
I am a lucky one to have been your friend

I'll always cherish those days of
drinking beer and staying up way too late
listening to your favorite song
I could dance with you all night long
you were the best of men
and I'll never forget

There ain't nothing about you that was small
a giant of a man with a great big heart
you were a fierce friend always there to catch my fall
and I'm a lucky one to have been your friend

I'll always cherish those days of
drinking beer and staying up way too late
listening to your favorite song
I could dance with you all night long
you were the best of men
and I'll never forget

Though I'll never understand why
God had to take you on that night
I'll always keep these memories in my heart

I'll always cherish those days of
drinking beer and staying up way too late
listening to your favorite song
I could dance with you all night long
you were the best of men
and I'll never forget
you were the best of men
and I'll never forget

Heart Month

It seems somewhat interesting to me that February not only includes Valentine's Day, but is also American Heart Month. I find it intriguing that this is the month of awareness about both our physical and emotional hearts. I also find it ironic that the past two February's of my life have included heart health issues. A year ago Saturday is the day Lee died of an enlarged heart and as I sit here writing I'm connected to a portable device that is monitoring and recording my heart beats. I learned I have an abnormality in my heart rhythm the day after Valentine's Day. Since that day, I have been very aware of my heart. It seems like some cruel trick that I learn my heart is not working correctly only a week and a half before the one year anniversary of Lee's death and the day after my emotional heart was on the forefront of my mind.

I wish I could say my emotional heart is doing just fine, but at the moment it seems to be almost as complicated as my physical heart has been discovered to be. Too bad there isn't a scientific method for diagnosing the emotional problems and correcting them. Relationships seem to be a lot more difficult to manage than a physical malady. It is a terrifying experience to put yourself in a vulnerable position where you are open to being hurt. But I'm coming to learn this heart break is easier to mend.

In this, the physical stuff is a lot more scary. There is a lot more on the line when your physical heart is broken. While it is a pain that is almost easier to bear than that of an emotional heartbreak, a heart that won't beat correctly can be potentially fatal. Thankfully, the doctors do not believe that I have a serious condition. They think I have an arrhythmia which is common in young people and is easily managed with medications. While this is the present hypothesis, I still have to wait and see what the official diagnosis will be. There are more tests to be done and conversations to be had before any diagnosis and treatment plan can be devised. It is the waiting that is the hardest in this whole process. I feel like I am making things worse because now that I know something is wrong I feel a lot more anxious about it. I want to know what is wrong and then take a step forward in treatment, but that is still awhile ahead.

So during this heart month, hearts are on the top of my mind. The heart of a friend that was too big and my own heart that beats in an abnormal manner. And with Valentine's Day only a week behind me, my emotional heart is still in my mind. It is funny how the word "heart" can conjure so many different thoughts and feelings.

With all these factors coming together, I know American Heart Month is always going to have a much more developed meaning and significance for me than for most.