Reflections on Lent Week 1

The first week of the Lenten season has been an interesting one. During this season, I have given up coffee and am engaging in 15 minutes of sustained daily prayer. This "prayer practicum" has been simultaneously easier and harder than I anticipated. It is easier in that I have no trouble remembering to pray. In fact, I find myself praying more often. Additionally, I am not finding a lack of things to lift up in prayer. On the other hand, it is more difficult in that I am struggling to keep myself in sustained prayer. My mind seems to wander incessantly. The strange part about this is that in the first two days it was easy to remain focused. I had no problem remaining in prayer for the full 15 minutes. Maybe the lack of focus on subsequent days is due to a lack of practice. I do not normally engage in sustained prayer for more than a few minutes at a time.

In this prayer practicum, I have noticed a few benefits. I can more readily recognize the hand of God in my life. I am more attentive to the blessings he gives and the trials he employs to make me more like his Son. Through intentionally setting time aside to pray, I am forced to slow down in the midst of my busyness. This has not only opened my eyes to God's work, but it has brought much needed stress relief. However, God is also using this time of inward reflection to "blast my gourds" so to speak. This phrase comes from the story of Jonah, and is also a lyric in one of my favorite songs. Basically, it means that God is slowly (or not so slowly in some cases) breaking my grip on the things that I depend on rather than depending fully on him. Inward trials are being employed to free me from self and pride, in order that I may find my all in God.

Today was the most intense example of these inward trials. The whole day was one long onslaught of emotional stress. The day started off on the wrong foot: waking up late and not being able to shower because both the showers were taken (oh the joys of dorm life). In my first class, the professor told an emotional tale of his mother's fight against rheumatoid arthritis. This professor, who is very reserved and intellectual, paused on multiple occasions to regain composure as he related the story of pain and suffering. The afternoon was then full of hard discussions on forgiveness and reconciliation that culminated in the telling of stories of victims of violent crimes and their struggle with forgiving the offender. If that was not enough, I ended the evening with a very difficult discussion with my dearest friend at seminary. He was the one person I wanted to spend time with tonight to receive relief and comfort after the trying day. However, our conversation quickly turned into something that would be much more emotional stress than the rest of the events of my day combined. On top of all that, the weather today did not help my mood. There is something about gray, rainy days that do not inspire happiness. It is little wonder that Western Washington has the highest suicide rate in the country.

I do not mean to complain about my day. I know that there are people who are in far worse conditions throughout the world. All I am trying to relate is the feeling that everything is falling apart and I know that God is using this feeling to force me to hold on to him. In reflecting on this, I reminded of yesterday's chapel message. In the midst of the storm, Jesus is here in the boat with me, I have no reason to fear. This is the truth God is reminding me of through these inward trials. The things that I hold onto are not sufficient, only God is. Sometimes it takes a storm to force me to remember that. I just wish it did not have to happen all on the same day. I am a little afraid to find out what the rest of this Lenten season holds for me if this is what I get after only one week.

Discovering Liturgical Practice

Growing up in a non-mainline denomination, liturgy did not have much of a place. It wasn't until coming to seminary that I began to experience liturgy on a regular basis. Whitworth offered opportunities to experience some of the liturgical practices, especially Ash Wednesday, but I rarely took advantage. I have never gotten into the practice of Lent. This will be the first year that the Lenten season is set aside as something different for me. I have never seriously attempted to fast from anything (I did make a half-hearted effort to give up sweets until I remembered my birthday fell within Lent as always). It should come as no surprise then when I say that this is the first year that I have ever gone to an Ash Wednesday service and had ashes placed on my forehead. 

It has been an interesting experience thus far. Walking the mile to work today included receiving some interesting looks from folks. I received many a double-take as people walked past me. At first I wanted to respond with some sort of sarcastic comment along the lines of, "yes I do indeed know that there is something on my forehead." The looks made me a little uneasy. As I walked along, however, I became more comfortable with the looks and began to reflect on my initial discomfort. Why did I feel like I needed to defend myself? Why was I uncomfortable? As Christians, we are called to be different, to be in but not of the world. This means we should expect to receive funny looks from people, to stand out in some ways. How often, though, we want to hide and blend in. It usually is not much fun to stand out in a crowd.

As this Lenten season begins and moves on, I will continue to reflect on this experience and what it means to follow the God-man who walked to lonely road to Jerusalem to sacrifice his life for my sake.  

On Love and Valentine's Day

While perusing Facebook this afternoon, I came across a friend's status that called Valentine's Day "An excuse to tell those around me that I love and appreciate them." At first I thought that this was a great way to view the day, but upon further reflection it struck me that we shouldn't set aside only one day during which we tell those around us that we love and appreciate them. That should be done as often as possible. The older I get, the more I come to believe that people long for love and affirmation more than anything else. From my theological perspective, I believe this desire comes from our innate longing for relationship with our Creator. As Augustine aptly said so many centuries ago, "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds rest in You." We long to love and know that we are loved. I don't think anyone really ever gets tired of being told that they are appreciated. Granted, I think telling someone that you appreciate them all the time may lessen its weight, however, I think that such communication should take place on more than one day a year.

With that being said, Valentine's Day remains a good reminder to express your love and appreciation for those dear to you. It does not have to be a holiday just for those in romantic relationships. Elementary school V-Day celebrations are a case in point. I remember making valentines for everyone in my class. I loved the holiday because I got to give and receive cards (not to mention, consume a lot of delicious candy). I wish Valentine's Day could remain fun and simple like it was in childhood, rather than becoming just another way to exploit our materialism.

I have never had a "real" Valentine's Day, meaning I have always been single on this day, however, I have been able to find fun ways to spend the day that did not leave me bitter at my lot in life. Last year, I spent time with two wonderful girlfriends of mine that I had not spent quality time with for months. It was a wonderful evening investing in our relationships with one another, especially given the fact that one of those lovely women would be getting married that summer. This year, I spent an Valentine's Day with my best friend at seminary. We did nothing in particular, simply enjoyed one another's company. In the years to come, I think this is the way I want to spend this holiday. Not expecting gifts, flowers, a nice dinner (though those things are nice occasionally), but rather investing in a relationship and simply enjoying the other person. Again, I think that this should be a common occurrence and Valentine's Day does not have to be a special day set aside for it. And maybe I will change my mind when I finally am in a romantic relationship when this "holiday" comes around, but for now, I will continue to see V-day as reminder to love each other, which we should be doing on a regular basis, rather than a day to buy into consumerist ideals and expect gifts.

Abundant Life in the Midst of Ambiguity

This morning, God spoke to me. I don't mean this in an actual physical voice calling out to me, but I know that God was using another person to give me a bit of a wake up call. The call was to live. By this, it was not meant to simply exist as a being taking up space, oxygen, and other natural resources. But to LIVE! Live life abundantly. Before I move on in my external processing of this experience, let me give you the setting:

Who: the seminary chaplain as the instrument through whom God spoke
What: the text- John 10: 7-10; the message- Christ came that we may have life and not just life, but life to the full
When: chapel service February 4, 2010
Where: seminary chapel

As I reflect on the impact the message (as well as the songs picked out to further impress the main theme upon our hearts) had on me, I am struck by my continual subjection to worry and anxiety, which keeps me from living fully. I am constantly concerned with what the future holds, whether or not I am good enough or smart enough, whether everyone around me is comfortable and having a good time. I get so caught up in the worries of where my life is going that I forget to simply live my life. I want everything to be perfect and to work out the way I have planned, but life unfortunately rarely works that way. However, I know that God has a plan and it is infinitely better than any plan I could ever come up with. But, such knowledge does not make giving up control any easier. The strange thing is that it is only in giving up control that I can truly live. That was exactly what the chaplain was exhorting us to do. Give up control of our plans for life and let God have his way, because his way is always better than ours.

However, when life is full of ambiguity, it is hard to trust that God has a plan. It is hard not to let worry and anxiety take control. It is hard to live abundantly. My life is currently full of ambiguity. The very set plans I had when coming to seminary have mostly been thrown out the window. Most of what I thought I wanted has changed. I am pondering possibilities that I never thought I would legitimately entertain. Almost everything I had said I didn't want to do, I am not seriously considering. One of the biggest examples is ordination. Being ordained was the last thing I wanted to do when I came to seminary. I wanted to go for a PhD and teach in a liberal arts college somewhere. Now I am contemplating the possibility of ordination and all its implications, such as switching denominations (the Christian and Missionary Alliance sadly does not ordain women). This discernment process, along with many others, has made life feel out of control completely. All my plans have been changed into question marks. It is so easy to give into worry, anxiety, and fear. Thus, when the chaplain was calling us to live abundantly, I was shaken and full of questions. When life is thrown up in the air and nothing feels at all certain, how is one supposed to live abundantly? How am I to make decisions about living abundantly when I don't know which direction to go in?

Maybe these questions show that I don't really understand what it means to live abundantly, which only compounds the problem of actually living that way. Yet, I think my belated New Year's Resolution is going to be to live an abundant life, trusting in God's plan and not letting myself be controlled and consumed by worry or anxiety. After all, Christ died that I may have life abundantly so how can I do anything other than live it to the full?