Out of the Depths I Cry

Ever have those days that feel more like a dream than a reality? Today was one of those days for me, but today was more the stuff of nightmares than dreams. No one warned me to expect days quite like this. I mean, yeah, "mama said there'd be days like this." But I don't think that song applies to the day that I am finding myself at the end of. I won't go into details, but it was a day full of rejection, crisis, hurt, getting lost, Murphy's Law, and depression. It was a day of hopelessness. It was a day where the only words left to say are those of Psalm 130:

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord.
2 Lord, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentive
to the voice of my supplications!

3 If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities,
Lord, who could stand?
4 But there is forgiveness with you,
so that you may be revered.

5 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
6 my soul waits for the Lord
more than those who watch for the morning,
more than those who watch for the morning.

7 O Israel, hope in the Lord!
For with the Lord there is steadfast love,
and with him is great power to redeem.
8 It is he who will redeem Israel
from all its iniquities.

This Psalm has been a bit of a refrain the last few weeks. It seems to constantly come up. It was the lectionary text for this past week and was consequently the sermon text for Sunday, but also the sermon text for chapel last Monday. It was the hymn text of choice in a discussion on Luther's hymns in a worship renewal class. "Out of the depths" seems to be on everybody's lips.

Right now, I'm feeling a little bit more of verses 1-2, 5-6 than 7-8. Hope is running low. I am at the end. I am throwing in the towel of surrender. God, I can't take anymore! I need relief! Hear my voice! Listen to my cry! I am waiting for God to be God, to show in the midst of the darkness and to bring light, to make things right, to renew hope and joy.

The worst part about all of this is that many of my friends are also in this place or worse. Hope seems to be in short supply right now. This is the season of advent when we are supposed to be rejoicing in the hope that we have. It is a season all about hope. It is also a season of waiting. All I feel right now is the waiting. Waiting for God, more than those who watch for the morning. I am tired of waiting. I am growing impatient. I am ready for God to show up. I need God to show up. I need God to renew hope and to breathe life into myself and into my dear friends who are also greatly burdened and crying out from the depths. But there seems no relief. So I will wait and cry, Lord come, won't you come, oh come and rescue me!

Don't Worry, Be Happy: Year Theme Revisited

Following the tradition of a friend of mine, I started coming up with themes for the year on my birthday. This year's theme is Don't Worry, Be Happy. As I sat in the meeting for graduating seniors yesterday, in which they told us how to look for positions that are available and that we need to apply to graduate by December, I had to force myself to hold onto this theme. With each passing day, I am becoming more and more anxious about what life holds once I am handed my diploma on May 19. I have made contact with one church asking what sorts of material they would like from applicants, but am still waiting to hear back. I feel completely unequipped to be looking for jobs, let alone having a job. Time has moved way too quickly. I don't think I'm ready for real life to begin. Can I just stay in school a few more years, please?

And yet, I know that I don't want to be in school anymore. I want to be in the real world. I want to be doing something practical, to be doing the things for which I have been preparing during the past three years. Despite my feelings of being unequipped, I know that I am ready, that I have the skills and gifts necessary to do the things which I feel called to do (it's just a matter of convincing other people of that to get them to hire me). I think it was a slightly prophetic decision on my part to decide on "Don't Worry, Be Happy" as the theme for my 24th year. In many ways, this has been one of the most unsure years of my life and never before have I had to let go of worry as much as I have had over the past 7 months. I've come to realize worry won't get me anywhere. I can't worry my way into a job. In reality, worrying takes a lot more energy than sitting back and enjoying the ride. That is what I'll try to do. I'll put myself out there, send out resumes, make contacts, but I won't worry. Things will work out one way or another and if I ended living with my parents for a time while working at Starbucks, so be it. It won't be ideal, but it also won't be the end of the world.

Watching friends who graduated last year struggle trying to find jobs, I know the next few months won't be easy and I know there will probably be times of discouragement, but I also know that I don't go through this alone and that if a church says no to me, that doesn't mean I'm not good enough.

So, for the next few months I'll try not to worry, but to be happy.

Tiptoeing into Adulthood

In the past few weeks, I've been making a slow and tentative move toward adulthood. I feel that it is fitting to begin this move as I will be entering the realm of adulthood in a few short months. The thought of this terrifies me. I realized yesterday as I looked at a job posting for a job that I think would be amazing and seems perfect for me that I have no idea how to really apply for jobs. Thankfully, the school has good resources to help students apply for jobs and prepare for interviews. For now I am trying my best to not get too far ahead of myself and to not worry about what comes next. I am trying to enjoy the adventure while trying my hand at life outside of school.

This year, in addition to school, I am working as a household helper for a university professor (who is going through a divorce) and his two girls. I wash the laundry, change the linens, and, once a week, prepare dinner. I have been at it for about three weeks now and it has been an interesting adventure. I'm getting a small taste of what it takes to run a household. It is a lot of work, if you didn't already know. Trying to get the timing of preparing a meal in addition to making sure the laundry is done in time to be put away before the girls go to bed is a bit of a challenge for me. I am not good at keeping in line with a schedule. Last week, I tried my hand at sowing, which is actually quite difficult, all while trying to recreate the successful dinner from the week before. Let me say that it is a good thing the guy I work for is laid back and has no idea how to sow either so it didn't matter that it was not very pretty. I feel like each week I discover a new obstacle in maintaining a well run household. I am hoping I'll get the hang of it, but part of me thinks that I am not cut out for the tight ship sort of household. I am much more free flowing.

It has been good to have a bit of a home life, at least be a part of someone else's home life. I am finding that it keeps me grounded and reminds me that there is more to life than just writing papers and taking exams. Being around children prevents me from taking myself and life to seriously. Though I have no idea where life will take me come May, I am encouraged each time I go to work by the girls' simple attitudes toward the world. They are full of joy and curiosity. Everything in life is exciting and new and adventurous. Spending time with the girls is helping me live into the openness and freedom that comes from not having my next step planned. II can take life one day at a time and I'll be okay. I don't need to know where I'm headed next. Rather, I can live in the childlike trust that God is in control. As I tiptoe my way into adulthood--life beyond papers and exams and the other pressures of school--I am learning that I will be okay. I'm actually quite enjoying the adventure.

The Beginning of the End

Tomorrow is my 20th (and last) straight first day of school. That is a slightly terrifying as well as exciting thought. I can't believe my last year of school, for the foreseeable future that is, starts tomorrow. Real life starts in 8 short months. I think I would feel more prepared if other areas of life felt more sure and grounded. Right now, everything feels up in the air adding to the anxiety and nervousness that comes with facing the end of the only thing I've done for most of my life. All I know how to do is school. I know how to write papers and take exams. I don't know how to live a real life. I have never made a budget, I've never had to do much of a job search, I've never been anything other than a student helper or intern. I think one of the reasons why I went to grad school to begin with is because school is comfortable. It's all I've ever done.

Facing the end of an era is a scary thing. Change is terrifying. But it is also exciting. Change is new and different and offers adventure. Change allows for growth. Though I'm scared of what comes next and unsure of what steps I will take once school ends, I am also excited at the new possibilities that await me. I am nervous about how this year is going to turn out, especially with friendships. Senior year is always supposed to be the best year. I've yet to have a spectacular senior year in either of the two I've had so far. I'm hoping this will be different. It's not off to a promising start, but a lot can change in 8 months. I guess the upside is that if it turns out terribly, it all ends in 8 months and I can start something new.

My hope and prayer for this year is that I will continue to sure up a solid foundation from which I can grow as I begin to walk under my own power. The convocation address tonight gave a lot of ideas of how to make this year the best it can be. The three areas of investment will be my focus throughout this year: gratitude, vocational friendships, and paying attention to God. I think by investing in these three areas, I will be in a good place when I receive my diploma in the Princeton University Chapel in May. Though life after school terrifies me, I know that I do not go alone and that the way has been prepared for me by the good and gracious God who created me for this and loves me through all that life brings. With God as my focus, I know I can make it through all that this year brings me. I simply hope it brings more joy than sorrow.

Here's to a the best last year of school a seminarian could ask for!

Ropes Course Theology Applied to Chaplaincy

Growing up, I went to Sound View Camp on the Key Peninsula. One of the best parts of the camp is that it has an amazing ropes course. The ropes course is a series of elements or challenges that one has to go through while being suspended in the air. There are rope bridges, tightrope walks, giant x's made out of rope, tarzan swings and platform jumps among other things.

Before a participant goes through the course, they have to be oriented to the process and the safety procedures. Over the last few years, the orientation for participants in the course has changed to make it more accessible and understandable to campers and other course participants. In the past two years, the focus of orientation has been "the Growth Zone." This reflects the growth through challenge pattern that is simulated by the ropes course. The idea behind the growth zone is that we have three different zones in which we operate: the comfort zone, the growth zone, and the danger zone. Most of our life is spent in the comfort zone. These are the things we do with ease, without much anxiety. These are the things we don't have to think too much about to do. Examples are walking, eating, driving. The growth zone includes the things that raise our anxiety some, but we are not paralyzed or frozen by them. The things that overwhelm us completely and cause us to shut down are in our danger zone. It's important to remember that everyone's zones are different. For example, my growth zone in the ropes course is simply being up in the air without doing any tricks. For my friend Allison, this is firmly within her comfort zone. She has no fear about being in the course. This does not mean she is better than me or anything like that. As a companion in the chaplaincy journey has said, "comparisons are odious." The only zones I need to be aware of are my own. Well, that's not entirely true. We should be aware of other peoples' zones so we do not send them into their danger zone. However, they have a responsibility to tell us if they are approaching that zone. Honesty is very important when dealing with the different zones.

Now, over the course of CPE I have been reflecting on these zones and applying them to the work of chaplaincy. CPE is a major exercise in self-awareness and growth. Much like the ropes course at Sound View, it is an intense experience created to effect growth through challenge. A lot of the challenge comes in recognizing our own reactions to our emotions as well as the emotions of others. The people I am sharing this experience with and I have discovered there are certain emotions that are in our respective growth and danger zones. For me, expressions of sadness and anger have been in the danger zone for most of my life. It's not feeling the emotions, but it is sharing them with other people that I have struggled with. However, the process of CPE and being forced to put words to and express emotions has forced me to grow through the challenge. As a result, our comfort zones are starting to expand to incorporate the emotions that had once been in our growth zones, the growth zone has also expanded and the danger zone has begun to shrink. It is a difficult process. After all, the process is growth through challenge. Challenge by definition isn't easy. Growth is always difficult, but when you do it through intentionally seeking out challenging situations, I think it is even harder. However, growth comes faster that way. That is why CPE and ropes courses exist I think.

Confessions of a Chaplain Intern

I am now almost half way through my summer internship as a hospital chaplain. So far, it has been a trying and stretching experience. I can't say if it has been good or bad. There are hard days and great days and days in between. Most days I have no idea what I am doing. The major lesson that I'm learning is that no one really knows what they are doing. All we can do is be ourselves and listen to people's stories.

The stories are remarkable. I have heard about great joys and deep sorrows. I talk with older patients who have lived long and good lives who are ready for their "ticket home." And within the same day I have listened to young women who relate their struggles with addiction though sobs. I have sat with people right after they received a terminal cancer diagnosis and with families bracing themselves for what seems to be the inevitable death of their loved one. It is a privilege to be with people in these times, to offer a comforting presence and listening ear.

I'm not going to lie, chaplaincy is one of the hardest jobs I've ever done. It is emotionally exhausting. I can't say I look forward to being at the hospital every day, but once I'm there, if I open myself to it, I will experience the movements of the Spirit. I will meet Jesus in the faces of the patients I sit with. That's what I have to keep telling myself each day as I drive to the hospital and prepare to enter a patient's room.

God has been good to me so far this summer and has provided all that I need to keep moving. This has been the most exhausting summer of my life so far, but I am learning a lot. I am not sure I want to do this the rest of my life, but I think I will look on it as an extremely valuable experience.

Irrational Fears

For the last few months, my neighbors and I have noticed that there is some sort of furry creature living in our dorm rooms. It lives in the heater and then moves from room to room consuming any chocolate it can find (it has eaten two bags of Dove chocolates at this point, no joke). About a half hour ago, I was in the place between asleep and awake when I heard the cups and other items on my dresser start to move. Needless to say, it freaked me out. The creature, which we now think to either be a rat or a flying squirrel, was on my dresser. Once I started to move, it scurried back into its hiding place in the heater under my bed. I turned on my light to see if I could find it and then saw a few creepy bugs moving around under my bed. Needless to say, at this point I'm completely freaked and I think sleep has completely evaded me for the night. I don't know what it is about rodents and bugs that freak me out so, but I am terrified. I know my fears are completely irrational. I know, "they are more afraid of me than I am of them." But I'm still afraid of them. I think it's the way they move.

Twenty-Four

So last Saturday was my 24th birthday. It still hasn't quite sunk in that I am that old. How can I seriously be in my mid-twenties when I still feel 12? I'm determined to have a good year this year. 24 is twice as much as my favorite number so shouldn't the year be twice the fun?

The actual birthday itself was probably one of my best birthdays so far. I spent the morning playing ultimate frisbee--one of the greatest sports known to humankind--then spent the afternoon my best friend. We had a short picnic of sandwiches by a river and then went to a movie. Spending those few hours with him were fantastic. I felt appreciated and loved. He had listened to obscure things I had said the last few weeks and had tried to make all my dreams come true. I had just recently told him I missed the water and that all I wanted to do on my birthday was wear a sundress and spend time outside (a risky wish seeing as it's been snowing this week in New Jersey, but God was kind and the sun came out with a decently warm temperature in the upper 50's). Hence, the picnic by the river. He also knew that I love Nick Frost and Simon Pegg (of Shawn of the Dead and Hot Fuzz fame) so we went to see their new movie Paul. He apparently had been researching the movie for a week to make sure it would be something that I would enjoy. I was deeply touched by his thoughtfulness. That alone made my birthday one of the best days of my life. I then went out to dinner with the majority of my closest seminary friends. We ate, drank margaritas and had a great time. The evening ended with cake, ice cream, dancing, and darts in the basement of one of the dorms here. At the end of the night, I was perfectly content. The only thing I could have wanted was for my family and my friends who don't live in the area to have been there. Based off that one night, twenty-four was looking like a great year.

But I'm learning God has quite the sense of humor. The day after my birthday, I came down with a nasty chest cold that has kept me pretty much tethered to my bed for the whole week. And as I mentioned earlier, it has been snowing. Spending hours in bed is not at all how I would have liked to start out a new year, but it's where I am. I am having to life out my year's theme, "Don't worry, be happy" (I was introduced to the tradition of having a theme for each year of life by my friend Megan last year on her birthday) in more ways that I could have expected. But I am learning how to really live this out and be content with whatever circumstances come my way. As much as I hate being sick, it has given me the opportunity to slow down a little bit and to read a book I have been wanting to finish for a long time. I'm just hoping I'm not sick for too much longer so that I can get up and make it to the library to start researching the many papers I have.

I think 24 is going to be a good year. If nothing else, I think I'll learn a lot.

Happiness is...

I spent a beautiful day in New York City with a dear friend on Tuesday and it reminded me of all the great things in my life to give thanks for. During this season of Lent, I am going to practice the discipline of gratitude. I want to use the phrase, "happiness is..." to describe the thing I am thankful for. This may seem slightly misdirected or shallow as happiness shouldn't be the goal of life, but I want to regain a more holistic sense of happiness. Happiness is worshiping God and living in right relation with God and others. So for the next forty days, I'll be defining happiness as I am reminded of all the blessings that I have been given.

Today, happiness is...
-spending a day with a dear friend in a large city
-reconnecting with your inner child
-listening to British folk bands in Central Park
-breakfast with dear friends
-Cadbury eggs
-Say Yes to the Dress
-laughter

The Dream Giver

A friend of mine asked me tonight, "What is God doing in your life?"

I told him, "I feel that God is reframing the way I see myself and my vocation. I came into seminary with academic aspirations. I had always viewed myself as an academic and wanted to continue in that area. However, upon spending a few months here, I have learned that my heart is passionate about the church. I still want to teach , but I want to do it in the context of the church. God has given me a tender heart that breaks when confronted with the needs of the world. I am often paralyzed by the sheer quantity of hurt and need in the world. I want to help and fix all the world's problems, but as a single individual there is no way I can do that. That is why I love the church. If the church universal can get its act together and start working like the Body of Christ it is, the needs will be met. I am passionate about inspiring people to see themselves as a vital part of the body and empowering them to jump in where they are gifted and needed. I want to teach in the church for spiritual formation and discipleship. That is what I think God is going in my life."

When I finished telling him all of this, he turns to me and says, "That's funny that you mentioned that God is reframing and reshaping your views of self and vocation. That has also been on my mind a lot. Have you ever read 'The Dream Giver'?" I told him I have not. He then proceeded to tell me the story.

Basically, "The Dream Giver" is the story of Nobody, who comes to learn that he is really Somebody. The Dream Giver gives him a dream. He begins to follow the dream. Eventually, the Dream Giver comes back and asks for the dream. Somebody must surrender the dream. This is a painful process as he begins to let go of the thing that had come to shape his identity and be his driving force in life. He finally gives up the dream. The Dream Giver changes it a little bit and gives it back.

My friend told me that he loves this story because it reminds him that God is the Lord of our dreams. God gives us our dreams and passions, but ultimately they belong to God. Sometimes God demands that we give up our dreams. This process is difficult because they often become part of our identity. However, if we are willing to give them up, God will make them into something much better than we could have ever managed.

Seminary for me has been the process of giving up the dream and allowing God to reshape it. It has been painful as I give up a part of my identity. But I am beginning to learn that I am far more excited by the new dream as it begins to take form. I'm still not sure how it will all work out, but I am learning to trust God to make it happen the way God desires. I think I may go buy "The Dream Giver" and read at least once a year to remind myself of this important truth.

In Memoriam

Today is the one year anniversary of Lee's death. It seems like it has been both so much longer and so much shorter at the same time. The initial pain has dulled, but there are moments when it hits hard. Conversations that would interest him and I want to know his opinion, songs that he'd like, adventures he'd take. All of these keep his memory on my mind. I can't imagine how his family is feeling today. Having never lost a family member, my guess is that the first year is the hardest, but the absence will always be felt. Today my thoughts and prayers are with the Stover family. And to commemorate his life, I wrote a song. I feel like songs are able to convey more than just words so I'll leave you with the lyrics and if I can figure it out, I'll post a recording of it later.

A good ol' country boy in that small green truck
elbow out the window and a smile on your face
eyes that shine with a greeting to make my day
I am a lucky one to have been your friend

I'll always cherish those days of
drinking beer and staying up way too late
listening to your favorite song
I could dance with you all night long
you were the best of men
and I'll never forget

There ain't nothing about you that was small
a giant of a man with a great big heart
you were a fierce friend always there to catch my fall
and I'm a lucky one to have been your friend

I'll always cherish those days of
drinking beer and staying up way too late
listening to your favorite song
I could dance with you all night long
you were the best of men
and I'll never forget

Though I'll never understand why
God had to take you on that night
I'll always keep these memories in my heart

I'll always cherish those days of
drinking beer and staying up way too late
listening to your favorite song
I could dance with you all night long
you were the best of men
and I'll never forget
you were the best of men
and I'll never forget

Heart Month

It seems somewhat interesting to me that February not only includes Valentine's Day, but is also American Heart Month. I find it intriguing that this is the month of awareness about both our physical and emotional hearts. I also find it ironic that the past two February's of my life have included heart health issues. A year ago Saturday is the day Lee died of an enlarged heart and as I sit here writing I'm connected to a portable device that is monitoring and recording my heart beats. I learned I have an abnormality in my heart rhythm the day after Valentine's Day. Since that day, I have been very aware of my heart. It seems like some cruel trick that I learn my heart is not working correctly only a week and a half before the one year anniversary of Lee's death and the day after my emotional heart was on the forefront of my mind.

I wish I could say my emotional heart is doing just fine, but at the moment it seems to be almost as complicated as my physical heart has been discovered to be. Too bad there isn't a scientific method for diagnosing the emotional problems and correcting them. Relationships seem to be a lot more difficult to manage than a physical malady. It is a terrifying experience to put yourself in a vulnerable position where you are open to being hurt. But I'm coming to learn this heart break is easier to mend.

In this, the physical stuff is a lot more scary. There is a lot more on the line when your physical heart is broken. While it is a pain that is almost easier to bear than that of an emotional heartbreak, a heart that won't beat correctly can be potentially fatal. Thankfully, the doctors do not believe that I have a serious condition. They think I have an arrhythmia which is common in young people and is easily managed with medications. While this is the present hypothesis, I still have to wait and see what the official diagnosis will be. There are more tests to be done and conversations to be had before any diagnosis and treatment plan can be devised. It is the waiting that is the hardest in this whole process. I feel like I am making things worse because now that I know something is wrong I feel a lot more anxious about it. I want to know what is wrong and then take a step forward in treatment, but that is still awhile ahead.

So during this heart month, hearts are on the top of my mind. The heart of a friend that was too big and my own heart that beats in an abnormal manner. And with Valentine's Day only a week behind me, my emotional heart is still in my mind. It is funny how the word "heart" can conjure so many different thoughts and feelings.

With all these factors coming together, I know American Heart Month is always going to have a much more developed meaning and significance for me than for most.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

I am beginning to learn just how true this statement (which is also a song lyric from All At Once by The Fray) really is. Doing the right thing can often be easy, depending on what the right thing is. However, if the right thing is involving a close relationship or the decision to do the right comes on a bad day, it can be tough. When things get hard, it becomes that much harder to do the right thing. When you combine both of those scenarios, it becomes almost impossible to do what is right. I find it difficult to do the right thing when I know it is going to make a relationship awkward or strained. And when I have a day where nothing seems to go right, there seems to be even less reason to take the necessary step back. I'm beginning to learn that I am not as strong-willed as I always thought I was. If I don't like something, I am much better about not doing it. But if the thing I shouldn't have or do is something I want, than I really struggle to walk away. I know this is the case for most people. It is hard to let go of the things we want, even if we know that it is what is right. I know that I need to take the necessary step back in order to make the relationship stronger in the long run, but it is so hard when all I want to do is curl up in his arms and close my eyes to the world for a little bit. I never thought a few inches could feel like a chasm. The space would be easily spanned, but it is the one distance I cannot cross for the time being. I have to keep reminding myself that it is the right thing to do. No one said doing what is right would be easy, but then again no one said it would be this hard.

Is this the New Year?

2010 was an odd year. It was a strange mix of gone too fast, but seemingly never ending. Christmas and New Year's seemed to sneak up on me and I was not quite prepared. All in all, 2010 was a pretty nondescript year. A lot happened, but I do not have many concrete memories of experiences that stand out in my memory. I did some fun things, experienced some pain and loss, became an aunt for the first time. Yet, thinking back over the past year my only thought is, "meh."

As I reflect on the past year and look on 2011 with anticipation, I wonder why the year was so lackluster, or least my feelings about it are. There were definitely some things that happened that I will never forget, but my overall feeling about the year is that it was pretty mediocre.

Here's hoping 2011 can move on from "meh," and preferably in a positive direction. Though at the moment, I don't have real high hopes. I feel like I'm standing the edge of a knife and if I'm not careful, I'll end up getting cut. I find myself faced with decisions I am not ready to make, though I think in the back of my mind I've known they were coming for a while. Because I feel so unprepared and afraid of what my decisions may mean, all I want to do is run and hide. Not the best way to start a new year.

I know that God is with me in all of this and that all I need to do is wait on God's guidance. I'll admit, that is so much easier said than done. All I can do right now is figure out what I even want in these situations and go from there.