Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

I am beginning to learn just how true this statement (which is also a song lyric from All At Once by The Fray) really is. Doing the right thing can often be easy, depending on what the right thing is. However, if the right thing is involving a close relationship or the decision to do the right comes on a bad day, it can be tough. When things get hard, it becomes that much harder to do the right thing. When you combine both of those scenarios, it becomes almost impossible to do what is right. I find it difficult to do the right thing when I know it is going to make a relationship awkward or strained. And when I have a day where nothing seems to go right, there seems to be even less reason to take the necessary step back. I'm beginning to learn that I am not as strong-willed as I always thought I was. If I don't like something, I am much better about not doing it. But if the thing I shouldn't have or do is something I want, than I really struggle to walk away. I know this is the case for most people. It is hard to let go of the things we want, even if we know that it is what is right. I know that I need to take the necessary step back in order to make the relationship stronger in the long run, but it is so hard when all I want to do is curl up in his arms and close my eyes to the world for a little bit. I never thought a few inches could feel like a chasm. The space would be easily spanned, but it is the one distance I cannot cross for the time being. I have to keep reminding myself that it is the right thing to do. No one said doing what is right would be easy, but then again no one said it would be this hard.

Is this the New Year?

2010 was an odd year. It was a strange mix of gone too fast, but seemingly never ending. Christmas and New Year's seemed to sneak up on me and I was not quite prepared. All in all, 2010 was a pretty nondescript year. A lot happened, but I do not have many concrete memories of experiences that stand out in my memory. I did some fun things, experienced some pain and loss, became an aunt for the first time. Yet, thinking back over the past year my only thought is, "meh."

As I reflect on the past year and look on 2011 with anticipation, I wonder why the year was so lackluster, or least my feelings about it are. There were definitely some things that happened that I will never forget, but my overall feeling about the year is that it was pretty mediocre.

Here's hoping 2011 can move on from "meh," and preferably in a positive direction. Though at the moment, I don't have real high hopes. I feel like I'm standing the edge of a knife and if I'm not careful, I'll end up getting cut. I find myself faced with decisions I am not ready to make, though I think in the back of my mind I've known they were coming for a while. Because I feel so unprepared and afraid of what my decisions may mean, all I want to do is run and hide. Not the best way to start a new year.

I know that God is with me in all of this and that all I need to do is wait on God's guidance. I'll admit, that is so much easier said than done. All I can do right now is figure out what I even want in these situations and go from there.