Stress

It is interesting to note how much more stressed grad school has made me than undergrad ever did. I have found myself more prone to severe stress and it has put me in a reflective mood.

Stress is a funny thing. It can have many different ways of presenting itself. I have learned this year that I deal with stress in an obnoxious variety of ways. The worst part is that it seems to change every time. Sometimes I react completely physically with tight shoulders, acne, illness, or other such things. Other times I become an emotional wreck with childlike meltdowns. The worst way I deal with stress, and this has been the way most common this year, is to become easily frustrated and annoyed with those closest to me. The last two nights, I have caused my dearest friend at seminary a lot of pain because of how I let out my frustration on him. He has done nothing to deserve it. I just am very stressed and it has gotten to the point where I find the tiniest things unbearable.

I think this reaction of easy frustration has something to do with a deep desire to want to control life. Stress is the result of life feeling out of control and chaotic. When it is really bad, I become overly upset when every little detail is not to my exact specifications. It is a terrible place to be. I don't like feeling as though my world is crumbling around me and unfortunately how I react to that feeling makes things unravel all the more quickly. Last night was by far the worst night of my time here at seminary. We had a party in my dorm and I was in charge of hosting in my room and serving drinks. This was a lot of fun and completely fine. I really enjoyed getting to make drinks and meeting new people. After the party, we had a dance in our dining hall, which was also fun, but apparently I was letting out frustration against my friend without even recognizing it. I unintentionally made him feel like I was upset and angry with him, which wasn't true at all. Once the dance was over, I went back to my room, where I quickly dropped water all over my computer, my amazing DSLR camera, and my cell phone. Following this moment of gracefulness, my friend called me and unloaded his feelings about how I had been treating him. All of these events led to a childish meltdown full of tears. It was a pretty miserable evening. Thankfully, my computer is not completely broken. The delete key is refusing to work, which makes writing very difficult, but I am figuring out ways to deal with it. My camera is totally fine and so is my phone. My friend and are okay. I think this episode has helped us to understand each other a little better. I just wish it didn't have to come at the price of hurting him deeply. Hopefully now that I recognize this reaction to stress, I'll be better able to keep it under control and not leave a trail of hurt feelings behind me.

A New Phase of Life

On the ride up to Pearl River, NY with my grandfather, we got into a conversation about life phases. He's wife is currently going through a phase in which the members of her family are beginning to go their separate ways for the holidays. Adult children decide to go to their spouse's family for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Apparently this Thanksgiving will be the smallest that Anne has had in quite some time. During our conversation, it struck me that I am in a new phase of life as well. This is my first Thanksgiving away from home. Granted, this is not really by choice. I can't afford to fly home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. However, the day will come, sooner than I probably think, that I will be choosing to go somewhere other than my family's home for a holiday. I am not so sure I am ready for that.

This being my first Thanksgiving away, I have been struggling with the loss of tradition. I am so used to the way things work at my house on Thanksgiving day. I always get up around 9 or 10 and watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade while attempting to do some homework. Then I make pie crust while listening to Bing Crosby's White Christmas (this is the only Christmas music allowed, all others must wait until the next day). My dad is the master of the kitchen, cooking the turkey and making all the fixings. Mom and I make the pies, occasionally with a little help from one of the younger siblings, especially Julia. Then around 3:30, my grandparents show up followed by my aunt and uncle. For the past several years, only my cousin Brandyn has been coming, but Robby and Tara may drop in for an hour or two before heading over to Tara's mom's. Dinner is at 4 and is quite the event. Everybody has their specific dish that they bring. My aunt brings creamed corn and cherry delight and Grandma brings cranberry bread and green bean casserole. Everyone feasts and talks and has a wonderful time. I am going to miss all that this year.

This year, I will be having Thanksgiving with my grandfather, who I have not seen since I was a sophomore in high school and my step-grandmother, who I just met for the first time upon arriving in Pearl River. It is her family's Thanksgiving that I am attending. I will know no one except for my grandfather and I am not sure he really counts since I have only seen him about five times in my entire life. It is going to be a completely different experience. I am anticipating feeling very awkward. So far, it hasn't been too bad. I have simply listened to my grandpa talk about how he met Anne and about her family history. To spice things up, I got a brief introduction into how the champions league for soccer in Europe works. The real fun begins tomorrow.

I guess I should not complain. At least I get to spend the holiday with family of some sort. It all just makes me think about how I have somehow grown up. I always knew that the day would come that I would no longer spend holidays at home, but I wasn't ready for it to come so quickly. I thought that it would be preceeded by building a family of my own and the resulting necessity to create new traditions. It just doesn't really seem right to be at this point of life now. While I am an independent individual and always have been, I am still a traditionalist when it comes to the holidays. I like to be with my family and do what we have always done. Thanksgiving doesn't seem to be right without my dad cooking the turkey and my aunt's cherry delight pie to wash it down. At least I do have a loaf of my grandma's cranberry bread. That will make this whole thing easier to bear. It is amazing how far a little taste of home goes at such a time as this.

So as I adjust to new traditions, I will always be thankful for those I have grown up with and I will look a head to the ones that I will make as the years pass. Change is hard, but it can be good. While this year's change wasn't completely desired, I know that it will be helpful in the years to come as I continue to break away from my family and begin to create one of my own. Growing up is a weird thing. You don't really notice it until it has already happened.

Not in High School Anymore

One unfortunate thing I have noticed about living in a small community is that people have the overwhelming tendency to return to their high school behaviors and gossip about each other. The other day, a friend of mine was told that all of the girls on the floor above her were talking about her. In this conversation, she was told that a couple of the girls don't like her simply because a lot of guys pay attention to her. This same friend was told by a guy friend today that early in the year a bunch of guys were sitting together at a meal and decided that she was one of the most attractive girls on campus, but none of them have been man enough to make a move. I think a lot of seminarians need a reminder that this is not high school. That ship has sailed and should never be taken out into open water again. High school is not the summation of life and should not be recreated.

It frustrates me how many people here feel like they have to hide their cross-sex friendships for fear of creating a scandal. I cannot sit with a group of guys at lunch without automatically being interested in one of them. The worst part about all of this, no one is courageous enough to actually ask the people involved what is going on. They simply make assumptions and then spread those assumptions around the school, which takes about two seconds. After hanging out with a guy for more than five minutes, I should be dating him. But will anyone actually ask if that is the truth? Probably not.

What is it about the human condition that drives people to gossip? Why do we love scandal and feel the need to create it where there is none? Why can't we just ask people straight out what is going on?

Don't get me wrong, there is much that I love about being at seminary. I love everyone that I know here. I just hate the tendency to gossip. It is frustrating and creates complication where there should be none. Relationships (friendship, dating, and otherwise) are difficult enough without the added layer of possible scandal put on top.

Feels like Home?

I have now been at seminary for a month and a half and I am really beginning to get settled. It feels as though I have been here for much longer, but it is not quite home yet. I am thoroughly enjoying my time here. Classes are interesting and not especially difficult. The town of Princeton is great and offers quite a lot for a poor grad student. I have a very good core group of friends already established, and I know many of the ties will last forever. However, none of us have really gotten our feet underneath us. We aren't really used to the whole seminary thing. This has been clearly demonstrated by the extreme anxiety brought about by the first big exam of the first years' seminary career. Fortunately, I was able to waive the class in question, but the majority of my friends suffered through this experience. The class is Old Testament and the requirements for the midterm exam were ridiculous. I freely admit that looking at a friend's study guide did induce a twinge of fear, but in reality the test was not much more difficult than a 400-level undergrad midterm. The difference is that we are just newbies and are still nervous about the supposed rigor of grad school. Yes, it is challenging, but it is not anything that we cannot handle. By the very nature of being at seminary we have shown intellectual ability above average. Besides, the Reformed theology that grounds our education at Princeton would remind us that we were predestined to be at this seminary for a reason and God will preserve us. All of this aside, the fervor created about the OT midterm evinces how this is not yet home.

Noting this, it is interesting to look around at my fellow students and see how they have responded to the time we have been here. While we are not fully settled, there is a sense that seminary has lasted longer than a month and a half. The most intriguing example of this is the tendency of the first years to pair off into romantically involved couples. Many of my friends are a part of such a couple. Some of these couples started dating within the first few weeks of classes. In light of this, it seems, at times, as if everyone is anxious to be established in life. It is as if by virtue of being in seminary we have grown up and should start acting accordingly. Obviously we know what we want out of life and where we are going, right? I may or may not be involved in a developing relationship myself. I understand the desire to get this aspect life together. Most of my friends from undergrad are married, engaged, or in dating relationships. Coming to seminary, many people remarked that this will be the place that I find my husband. While this may be good and true, it should not be the focus of my time here. That is not to say that those who are involved in romantic relationships are overly focused on finding a spouse. I do not think that of any of them. It has just been an interesting phenomenon to witness and, in some ways, participate in.

This blog morphed into something completely different than intended, but I think it captures my current state of mind fairly accurately. Seminary is not quite home, but through relationships it is beginning to feel more like it.

Church Shopping

Nita, because you asked for it, here is a new blog. It is not exceedingly interesting, but it is what is on my mind at the moment. I hope you enjoy it. Love you!

So I have now been in Princeton for a month and I love it. The only problem is, I can't seem to find a church to call home. I hate the term church shopping because to me it sounds as if I am putting my personal preferences a head of where is God wants me to be. It perpetuates the consumerist mentality our culture has about church. It is not about me. It is about glorifying God. However, I am concerned with finding a church that passionately follows Christ. In my search for a church, I have encountered two major obstacles.

First off, most of the churches here are very traditional. Now, keep in mind I do not think there is anything wrong with a traditional style of worship. There is much to be applauded in the traditional liturgy and there is much to be said for maintaining roots in the past. Our faith is an historical faith, meaning it is centered on an historical event. God entered history in the incarnation. This cannot be forgotten. Traditional liturgy grounds Sunday gatherings in this sense of historicity. While this should never be disparaged, there is also something to be said for capturing some sort of relevance with the culture in which we are currently placed. This is the benefit of a contemporary style of worship. Personally, I feel more at home in a contemporary setting. I like how it is more free and fluid. I also can put more of myself into the music. I love hymns, but I like them better when driven by a guitar and not an organ. There is more pathos in a contemporary service than traditional, at least in my experience. For someone who worships primarily through music, pathos is important. So that is the first issue with east coast churches, contemporary services are hard to come by.

The second issue is much less about preferences, at least I hope so. The churches here seem to be less concerned with mission to the city and more about keeping the church alive. Every church I have been to so far in my time here has a significant lack of young adults. Almost every person in the pews has gray hair. Don't get me wrong, I love steady rock the older members act as. I just think there needs to be a mixture. These churches that are mostly 50-year-olds and older are quickly dying. They are less capable of witnessing to the culture around them because they are separated from it by their age. Older people can and do add a lot to a church, but it cannot survive without a younger population. I really want to find a church that is committed to following Christ and discovering what that means for their daily lives and the city. Vintage is such a great church that is passionately concerned about bringing God's kingdom to bear on Spokane. That is what I want to find in Princeton. I do not if such a church exists.

At this point, I am very discouraged about finding a church that I like. I am okay with going to a church that is more traditional if I cannot find a contemporary service. Like I said earlier, I do not want to buy into the consumerist mentality. However, I will probably have to settle for a church that is dying slower than others, which is a depressing thought. Please pray for this search. Thanks!

Reflections on Fall

Fall on the east coast is very different from that in Washington. Most of the trees here are deciduous, which means that the Autumn months are gorgeous and full of color. It has been quite warm until the last few days, so the trees haven't completely changed color, but they are beginning to turn. Right outside my window, there is a beautiful tree (don't ask me what kind, I don't know my deciduous. If you want to know the difference between a pine and a fir, I can help you there, but I can't tell you which one is an oak or a maple), which has just begun to change from green to a light yellow. When the sun is shining, the leaves fill my room with a beautiful glow. I thoroughly enjoy all of the various colors of Autumn: the yellows, oranges, and reds. It is so pretty, however, I miss the evergreens that cover the landscape of Western Washington. While the colors here are spectacular, they are the final act before all the trees are bare and winter sets in. Winter without the presence of evergreens is depressing. I think that is one of the things that I love the most about Western Washington: no matter what season it is, there will always be color somewhere. While many people say that the Seattle area is depressing because it is always gray, it is my position that it is less depressing because the trees are fully clothed all year round. Yes, it rains a lot in Washington, but the endless green is so worth it. When I moved out here, I did not anticipate missing my home state as much as I do. I did live in Eastern Washington for the past four years, but there are still evergreens there, at least near Whitworth. I like New Jersey, but I definitely prefer the beauty of Washington's fir trees, the Puget Sound, and Mount Rainier. Though there are only two season in Washington: constant rain and rain with some sun mixed in; I love that state and will miss it for at least the next three years.

Only at Seminary

So I successfully made it through my first week of classes at seminary and I have compiled a list of things that only occur when you are at seminary.

1. The first party of the year is called "A Reformation Celebration: A Night of Forbidden Indulgences."

2. The Pope and Martin Luther have an epic wrestling match that ends in a hug during the aforementioned party.

3. There are people named Matthew Marcus Luke Johnstone a.k.a Gospel.

4. The simplest of conversations can be turned into an intense theological discussion of orthodoxy and penal substitutionary atonement.

5. People use words like orthodoxy and penal substitutionary atonement in everyday discourse.

6. It is common to hear Greek or Hebrew being spoken as you walk down the halls of your dorm.

7. At meals it is common to hear discussions on the theological implications of any and every TV show or movie or book.

8. Tupac Shakur is used to defend theological assertions.

9. People are thrilled about the low price of John Calvin's "Institutes of the Christian Religion."

10. Calvin's "Institutes" are read for fun.

11. When you say you are taking the class on Schleiermacher, most everyone knows exactly what you are talking about and can give you their views on the relative merits of his theology in comparison to Barth's.

12. Even while drunk, people discuss their views on predestination.

That is all I can think of at the moment, but I am sure there are plenty of other defining characteristics of seminary.

All I can say is that we are all nerds. It brings me great joy to know that I am not alone in it. In college, I was constantly picked on for my theological nerdiness (it was all in good fun and I enjoyed it. I am definitely proud of it.). It is wonderful to be in a place where everyone gets excited about the same things I do. Seminarians are definitely a very unique group.

Let the games begin!

Tomorrow is my first day of seminary classes. To be completely honest, I am more than a little nervous. Whitworth has prepared me well, but there is some lingering fear that I do not have quite what it takes. I am sure that all of the anxiety will be wiped away after my first class. Well, considering that Greek is my first class, that anxiety may still be present until after my second class. :)

My experience here at Princeton has been quite pleasant so far. I have connected with a wonderful group of people who I think will become my support group during my time here and hopefully for years to come. The only unfortunate bit is that a few of them are from the south and I am beginning to acquire a southern accent. I am not entirely serious about that being unfortunate, but I am proud of the pure vowels we use on the west coast. I like being able to say that I do not have an accent and actually be correct in the assessment. But alas, that may all change by the end of my three years here at PTS. However, other than the accent acquisition, I am having a lovely time here. The campus is beautiful and everyone is very friendly. Orientation was a little boring, but we all suffered together and we all reached a level of bonding that cannot be broken. At this point I think I can say that it is going to be a wonderful three years!

Road Trip Update #2

Tomorrow is the day. The road trip officially comes to an end and I move into my PTS dorm room in the morning. The trip has been a lot of fun. I have thoroughly enjoyed it, with a few exceptions. There seemed to be never ending construction throughout the nation, especially as we made it closer to the eastern seaboard. On top of that, we had to stop every few miles (at least that is how it felt) to pay tolls ranging from $.50 to $20. Also, we drove through a terrible lightening storm on our way through the east part of Colorado into Kansas. There was zero visibility and it felt like being inside a visualizer for iTunes. It was sort of neat at one point when the lightening flashes were in sync with the beat of the song on the radio.

Overall, however, the trip has been pretty epic. Six baseball games and 14 states in 10 days-it doesn't get a lot better than that. I have seen many different sides of country, experienced a variety of baseball fan cultures, and eaten at Subway possibly too often.

But it all ends tomorrow. It was fun while it lasted, but as they say: all good things must come to an end. Now it is time for all the adventures that Princeton is sure to hold.

Road Trip Update #1

I am currently in a little known place called Lima, OH. Yes, it is a strange place to stop on a trip to Princeton, NJ. However, this small town in western Ohio is the birthplace and childhood home of my mother. I am excited to get to see a part of my mom's past. I think it will maybe help me to understand her a little more. We already get along really well, but it is also a unique experience to see where someone grew up. The stories they tell have new meaning and understanding attached to them as you can now picture the settings. All in all, tomorrow should be a fun day exploring my mom's childhood home.

The trip so far has been a lot of fun. I have been able to see many friends and family members along the way. It has been a blessing to catch up with those loved ones as well as to meet new people. One of my good friends in Spokane just gave birth to a beautiful little girl. I had the opportunity to meet little Adabelle, which was such a joy. I also had the chance to see my best friend's new home in Salt Lake City. I adore her and her husband. They are such a wonderful newlywed couple! In Denver, I spent a day and a half with my uncle who recently returned from a year in Iraq, which was such a blessing. I spent a lot of time playing with my two adorable cousins, Jack and Seth. It really is hard to run around when you are a mile high. Those two kiddos ran me down, but I loved every second of it. Kansas City brought some time to hang out with my older brother. We just left Chicago, where I got to hang out with my forever roommate and meet her new boyfriend. It was pretty fantastic. There were also a couple of people with whom I was able to catch up briefly. I have thoroughly enjoyed seeing everyone.

Watching baseball hasn't been too shabby either! :P All three home teams have won, which was a little surprising considering the Royals were playing the Tigers, who are considerably better than them. I have loved experiencing the different crowds and seeing the different stadiums. Being an M's fan all of my life, it has been a lot of fun experiencing the cultures that surround each team. Rockies fans love to clap and sing. Royals fans are diehard and loyal, but they are small in numbers. Cubbies fans are full of hope and willing to skip everything in order to make a day game on a Friday afternoon. So far, I would have to say Cubs fans are the best in the nation. Seattle fans are a close second, but I don't think we could fill a stadium on a work day, unless it was for a playoff game or something like that. What a great sport baseball is!

Anyway, my computer is about to die and it is almost 3 am EST, so I should probably hit the hay. I'll try to update soon, but there are no garauntees.

This is Sarah, signing out!

Before it all Begins

I begin my trip to Princeton in four days. I am excited to start this new adventure, but with that comes an ounce of nerves. Not only am I moving clear across the country, away from all of my family and friends, I am also jumping into a whole new level of education. I know that my years at Whitworth have prepared me well for this venture, but the words grad school still carry a huge weight that I am not entirely sure I am ready for. I know that most of my nervousness is irrational and I will be just fine when I get there, but I can't help feel a little out of my league. I think the fact that I had a long summer reading list is responsible for most of the anxiety. If I had to read nine books to be generally prepared for seminary, what is the actually schooling going to be like? In spite of the anxiety, I am extremely excited to begin this new phase of my life. It will be amazing to see how God uses the next three years!