This morning, God spoke to me. I don't mean this in an actual physical voice calling out to me, but I know that God was using another person to give me a bit of a wake up call. The call was to live. By this, it was not meant to simply exist as a being taking up space, oxygen, and other natural resources. But to LIVE! Live life abundantly. Before I move on in my external processing of this experience, let me give you the setting:
Who: the seminary chaplain as the instrument through whom God spoke
What: the text- John 10: 7-10; the message- Christ came that we may have life and not just life, but life to the full
When: chapel service February 4, 2010
Where: seminary chapel
As I reflect on the impact the message (as well as the songs picked out to further impress the main theme upon our hearts) had on me, I am struck by my continual subjection to worry and anxiety, which keeps me from living fully. I am constantly concerned with what the future holds, whether or not I am good enough or smart enough, whether everyone around me is comfortable and having a good time. I get so caught up in the worries of where my life is going that I forget to simply live my life. I want everything to be perfect and to work out the way I have planned, but life unfortunately rarely works that way. However, I know that God has a plan and it is infinitely better than any plan I could ever come up with. But, such knowledge does not make giving up control any easier. The strange thing is that it is only in giving up control that I can truly live. That was exactly what the chaplain was exhorting us to do. Give up control of our plans for life and let God have his way, because his way is always better than ours.
However, when life is full of ambiguity, it is hard to trust that God has a plan. It is hard not to let worry and anxiety take control. It is hard to live abundantly. My life is currently full of ambiguity. The very set plans I had when coming to seminary have mostly been thrown out the window. Most of what I thought I wanted has changed. I am pondering possibilities that I never thought I would legitimately entertain. Almost everything I had said I didn't want to do, I am not seriously considering. One of the biggest examples is ordination. Being ordained was the last thing I wanted to do when I came to seminary. I wanted to go for a PhD and teach in a liberal arts college somewhere. Now I am contemplating the possibility of ordination and all its implications, such as switching denominations (the Christian and Missionary Alliance sadly does not ordain women). This discernment process, along with many others, has made life feel out of control completely. All my plans have been changed into question marks. It is so easy to give into worry, anxiety, and fear. Thus, when the chaplain was calling us to live abundantly, I was shaken and full of questions. When life is thrown up in the air and nothing feels at all certain, how is one supposed to live abundantly? How am I to make decisions about living abundantly when I don't know which direction to go in?
Maybe these questions show that I don't really understand what it means to live abundantly, which only compounds the problem of actually living that way. Yet, I think my belated New Year's Resolution is going to be to live an abundant life, trusting in God's plan and not letting myself be controlled and consumed by worry or anxiety. After all, Christ died that I may have life abundantly so how can I do anything other than live it to the full?
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