Reflections Lent Week 5

Today it has been one month since I was told the news about Lee. I am not sure that the time has really helped much, other than make it easier to ignore the pain. Being so far away from a group that was grieving with me made it difficult to really let myself mourn completely. It is easy to dull the reality of the loss and to get into the mindset that it is to be expected to not hear from Lee; he lives so far away and he's so busy. However, the little things always seem to remind me that he is gone. We had a midterm paper due last week in my systematic class and I kept thinking that I should call Lee and talk about the questions and see what he had to say, before remembering that is no longer a possibility. It was also hard to celebrate my birthday last week. It was so painful knowing that a birthday note was not going to come. That is the hardest part of all: knowing that he is no longer here to share the things of life with. No more consultations on theology, words of wisdom for life, a great big bear hug, birthday greetings, a friendly hello, etc. It is really only in these moments that the loss becomes real. In a way I am thankful that I can dull the pain in the time between these milestones, but that only makes the marked absence of Lee that much more difficult. I do not understand why God decides to take people before it seems to be their time. For this reason, I decided to write my systematic paper on the question related to the problem of evil. This is a problem that I cannot solve and I knew that full well going into the paper, but in my grief I needed to try to find comfort in God's providence, to find someway to continue to trust in the goodness of God. Writing the paper and latching on to the truth that Christ suffered for me and suffers with me, makes it easier to carry the burden of grief.

The pain lives on, however, and makes it quite difficult to want to continue the prayer practicum. Some days trying to talk to God feels like pulling teeth. I have little to say and often I feel like I am praying to an empty sky, unsure that my prayers are even heard. It is at these times that I am so thankful for the Psalms. This weeks assignment for the practicum has been to pray through the Psalms and I have found this exercise the most fruitful. I can't formulate words to express how I feel, which is okay because the Psalmist expresses them for me. Words such as, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart," resonate with me in such a real and profound way right now. I feel like God is so far away from me as one thing after another keeps knocking me to the ground. How long must I wait for the Lord to answer my cry for help and mercy? How long must I wait to be heard? How long must I wait for God to change me? I do not really feel like this month and a half of intentional prayer has brought me any closer to God. So far, it has only succeeded to make me feel the apparent distance from God that much more acutely. It is hard to feel alienated from God when trying to contemplate and celebrate the event which secured redemption for the world.