Stress

It is interesting to note how much more stressed grad school has made me than undergrad ever did. I have found myself more prone to severe stress and it has put me in a reflective mood.

Stress is a funny thing. It can have many different ways of presenting itself. I have learned this year that I deal with stress in an obnoxious variety of ways. The worst part is that it seems to change every time. Sometimes I react completely physically with tight shoulders, acne, illness, or other such things. Other times I become an emotional wreck with childlike meltdowns. The worst way I deal with stress, and this has been the way most common this year, is to become easily frustrated and annoyed with those closest to me. The last two nights, I have caused my dearest friend at seminary a lot of pain because of how I let out my frustration on him. He has done nothing to deserve it. I just am very stressed and it has gotten to the point where I find the tiniest things unbearable.

I think this reaction of easy frustration has something to do with a deep desire to want to control life. Stress is the result of life feeling out of control and chaotic. When it is really bad, I become overly upset when every little detail is not to my exact specifications. It is a terrible place to be. I don't like feeling as though my world is crumbling around me and unfortunately how I react to that feeling makes things unravel all the more quickly. Last night was by far the worst night of my time here at seminary. We had a party in my dorm and I was in charge of hosting in my room and serving drinks. This was a lot of fun and completely fine. I really enjoyed getting to make drinks and meeting new people. After the party, we had a dance in our dining hall, which was also fun, but apparently I was letting out frustration against my friend without even recognizing it. I unintentionally made him feel like I was upset and angry with him, which wasn't true at all. Once the dance was over, I went back to my room, where I quickly dropped water all over my computer, my amazing DSLR camera, and my cell phone. Following this moment of gracefulness, my friend called me and unloaded his feelings about how I had been treating him. All of these events led to a childish meltdown full of tears. It was a pretty miserable evening. Thankfully, my computer is not completely broken. The delete key is refusing to work, which makes writing very difficult, but I am figuring out ways to deal with it. My camera is totally fine and so is my phone. My friend and are okay. I think this episode has helped us to understand each other a little better. I just wish it didn't have to come at the price of hurting him deeply. Hopefully now that I recognize this reaction to stress, I'll be better able to keep it under control and not leave a trail of hurt feelings behind me.