Since coming to seminary, I found myself to be less sure of where I am headed in life. I came here with a view of the Masters of Divinity as one hurdle to jump on my pursuit of a PhD with the eventual goal of becoming a professor at a Christian liberal arts college. Of this I am no longer sure. As the days go by, the less appealing PhD programs are becoming. I am finding myself contemplating vocational paths that I swore to myself I would never pursue. The ideas of missions and ordination seem to pop everywhere I go. This is a totally natural and, in many ways, expected occurrence, being at seminary. However, the last few times these ideas, particularly ordination, have come up, I haven't been able to shake them. I try to tell myself that I don't want to pursue a career in parish ministry, but my friends here are continually questioning my reasons why. Each time they ask, my answers become less reasonable and defensible. I am beginning to question myself and the reasons I had for desiring a PhD. Is it simply the pride of receiving such a lofty degree or am I actually following the call of God on my life?
Even as a I reflect on this question, I am forced to rethink how I view calling and vocation. I am beginning to see it less as specific directions for particular actions and more as a general invitation to follow God using one's gifts and skills in as faithful a manner as possible. By this I mean, God's calling is not a specific plan detailing every aspect of life that must be followed. I don't think God has one path we are to follow and if we make the wrong decision we are out of the will of God. I think either option presented in making a decision can be within the scope of God's. For example, choosing a college. I could have gone to any number of colleges and still have been following God's call in my life. I choose Whitworth and it was a wonderful experience, but I do not think that if I had chosen Washington State University or Western Washington University I would have then had a terrible experience and have strayed from God's will. I think this misconception of the will of God causes a lot of undue stress and anxiety when making decisions. In contrast to this view, I think God's will is building off the call to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God (Micah 6:8).
With this said, I am still compelled to think about where I am headed in life. Of one thing I am sure, I want and feel called (there's that word again) to teach. I don't really know what that will look like anymore. I just know that I am passionate about learning and passing that on to other people. I love to pass on knowledge and inspire excitement over a given subject. I know that I want to teach about God and the Bible. As I have been in the process of discernment, working towards ordination and pursuing a career in parish ministry seems to be the best avenue in which to do this. However, I am a part of a denomination that does not ordain women, making this whole venture more difficult and complicated than the common experience. At this point, all that I can do is continue to discern through prayer and conversations with others.
As I write this and think through my plans for the future, I remember a quote from the movie My Life in Ruins. In this movie, the main character, Georgia, is frustrated that her life is not going according to plan. She asks another character about his life plans and he responds by saying, "You can't plan life." It really is impossible to plan life. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. We can determine some sort of an idea of what we would like to happen, but there is no guarantee that any of it will actually occur. Hopefully I can keep this in mind as I continue the discernment process.
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