Reflections on Lent Week 1

The first week of the Lenten season has been an interesting one. During this season, I have given up coffee and am engaging in 15 minutes of sustained daily prayer. This "prayer practicum" has been simultaneously easier and harder than I anticipated. It is easier in that I have no trouble remembering to pray. In fact, I find myself praying more often. Additionally, I am not finding a lack of things to lift up in prayer. On the other hand, it is more difficult in that I am struggling to keep myself in sustained prayer. My mind seems to wander incessantly. The strange part about this is that in the first two days it was easy to remain focused. I had no problem remaining in prayer for the full 15 minutes. Maybe the lack of focus on subsequent days is due to a lack of practice. I do not normally engage in sustained prayer for more than a few minutes at a time.

In this prayer practicum, I have noticed a few benefits. I can more readily recognize the hand of God in my life. I am more attentive to the blessings he gives and the trials he employs to make me more like his Son. Through intentionally setting time aside to pray, I am forced to slow down in the midst of my busyness. This has not only opened my eyes to God's work, but it has brought much needed stress relief. However, God is also using this time of inward reflection to "blast my gourds" so to speak. This phrase comes from the story of Jonah, and is also a lyric in one of my favorite songs. Basically, it means that God is slowly (or not so slowly in some cases) breaking my grip on the things that I depend on rather than depending fully on him. Inward trials are being employed to free me from self and pride, in order that I may find my all in God.

Today was the most intense example of these inward trials. The whole day was one long onslaught of emotional stress. The day started off on the wrong foot: waking up late and not being able to shower because both the showers were taken (oh the joys of dorm life). In my first class, the professor told an emotional tale of his mother's fight against rheumatoid arthritis. This professor, who is very reserved and intellectual, paused on multiple occasions to regain composure as he related the story of pain and suffering. The afternoon was then full of hard discussions on forgiveness and reconciliation that culminated in the telling of stories of victims of violent crimes and their struggle with forgiving the offender. If that was not enough, I ended the evening with a very difficult discussion with my dearest friend at seminary. He was the one person I wanted to spend time with tonight to receive relief and comfort after the trying day. However, our conversation quickly turned into something that would be much more emotional stress than the rest of the events of my day combined. On top of all that, the weather today did not help my mood. There is something about gray, rainy days that do not inspire happiness. It is little wonder that Western Washington has the highest suicide rate in the country.

I do not mean to complain about my day. I know that there are people who are in far worse conditions throughout the world. All I am trying to relate is the feeling that everything is falling apart and I know that God is using this feeling to force me to hold on to him. In reflecting on this, I reminded of yesterday's chapel message. In the midst of the storm, Jesus is here in the boat with me, I have no reason to fear. This is the truth God is reminding me of through these inward trials. The things that I hold onto are not sufficient, only God is. Sometimes it takes a storm to force me to remember that. I just wish it did not have to happen all on the same day. I am a little afraid to find out what the rest of this Lenten season holds for me if this is what I get after only one week.